a bump on the head
a bump on the head
i woke up this morning with a bump on my head and it hurt like the charles dickens so i asked my wife if she put the speed bump on my head for some reason and she said i wasnt even married to her and i said what do you mean and she said remember that time at our wedding and i wasnt there
well she had a point of no return so i went downstairs to have a cup of coffee beans but i dont drink coffee i drink tea for two and i kissed my little daughter on her ponytail and i thought i dont even own a my little pony it must have escaped from the zoo
i made myself some breakfast but my eggs were runny so i chased them around the kitchen and i thought i better get to work so i said goodbye yellow brick road to my daughter who said feck off but it wasnt my daughter just a leprechaun in a daughter costume
i jumped in my chevy pick me up which was odd because i drive a mazda vroom and i got to work and i told my boss i needed to sit downtown at my desk because i had a bump on my headphones that hurt like the slim pickens
my boss said you dont have a desk you are a crane operator which is weird because im allergic to birds
so i got in my crane but i couldnt fit in the cabin because the bump on my head had grown to its full potential and should be moving out and getting a job soon
i decided i should see a doctor seuss so i went downtown and i walked into the clinic where they keep the doctors but the lady at the reception told me i needed a mask
i told her sorry i wasnt invited to the wedding and i went next door to the general tso store and looked for the mask department but i noticed one on a captain hook and it looked like a gorilla but that would have to do and i gave the sales girl from ipanema my johnny cash and went back to the whats up doc
i put the mask on and told the lady gaga i got a bumper on my head but she said no you got the wrong mask and that i needed a surgical one but i tried to explain im not a witch doctor i just needed to see one
just then she lost her impatiens probably because she didnt water them and she went backstage to see if there was a vet that could fix a gorilla glue
so i sat there waiting in the roomba with my mask mandate on and the little girl with the cross stitches on her forehead looked at me as if i was mad max and her mother said honey baked ham dont look at the crazy man with the ugly face its not nice
then the doctor came in with his white lab and i wondered why they let dogs in here and i told him about the bump and he said take that silly string mask off and he gave me an ice capades and an extra large tylenol
so i went back to work and told my boss i needed a leave of abstinence and he told me to go home and dont collect two hundred dollars but i didnt hear him very well wishers because i still had a wedding ring in my ear
thats when i realized i was hungry like the wolf and i should be getting some food stamps in my stomach which is why i drove through the carpool tunnel syndrome to the chicken place for some wings at the speed of sound
i ate my food for thought and decided it was best buy if i went home for the holidays and rested my head gasket
at that point i realized i was lost in space and didnt know which way was home plate so i visited a couple of parallel bars for a drink to clear my mind games
and thats when i met a guy fieri who lived in my neighborhood watch who told me that he came here most nights in white satin
i said but its nine inch nails in the morning and he said his watch was broken hearted and do i want a cocktail napkin or not
i didnt want to get into a fight club with him so i left in a huffington post which was not a good idea because i remembered that the man of la mancha in the bar none was my please mister postman and now i will never get my youve got mail
i wandered around like a chicken coop with its head cut off the beaten path because i couldnt find my carmax and thats when i realized my house hunters was one block party over from where i stood my ground
i walked over the rainbow and got to my front door dash and i walked inside my house of representatives to get myself a glass menagerie of water so i could take my extra long tylenol
after that i thought i needed a good napster so i headed to my bedroom eyes to hop on pop my king kong sized bed of roses to get some sleep apnea
thats when i made the discovery channel that the ceiling fan fiction was on my pillow and not in its upright and locked position on the ceiling and thats what must have given me the bump on my egg noggin and i finally realized that my wife and daughter didnt live and let die here anymore because of the divorce court
Ouch.
