By clicking on this Substack page, hereafter known as “Postcard Inkblot”, you, hereafter known as “you,” have been deemed “superficial” and a person with “too much time on their hands” by the author, hereafter known as “me,” and by visiting this page you have triggered autogenerated questions such as “Why?” and “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

These terms and conditions constitute a legally binding agreement between you (or your twin sister, hereafter known as “Sis”) and Postcard Inkblot granting you access to all short stories contained herein but make no claim, either by the author or Substack, that you will enjoy them. Any monies collected will not be refunded unless you ask.

You agree that by accessing Postcard Inkblot, you are a functioning literate human being and not robotic in nature and that you have a rudimentary understanding of the English language or, at the very least, can pass a first-grade vocabulary test consisting of the spelling of three-letter words and the defining of those words unless they are “too hard.”

You are granted permission to read any Postcard Inkblot story to your children as long as they are at least 23 years of age and/or have a Master’s degree in Biopolitical Sciences and/or they believe macaroni and cheese is “the bomb” and/or they own and frequently wear pajamas with penguins on them.

Persons attempting to access Postcard Inkblot from devices other than a phone, tablet, computer, video game console, radar detector, GPS unit, microwave oven, or their neighbor’s nanny cam will be put on a special list and dealt with in the form of a punishment to be determined at a later date or the awarding of a three-pack of Snickers Special Dark. I haven’t decided yet.

We reserve the right to make modifications and/or correct misspellings to these Terms of Service without notifying you or Sis, so it is highly advised you bookmark this page and refamiliarize yourself with its contents on a daily basis, preferably at 5:17 p.m. EST.

Supplemental terms and conditions may be posted on this Site, but you don’t have to read them since they will most likely be a lawyer’s mumbo-jumbo granting me the right to legally use your lawn mower.

The information provided on this Site is not intended for distribution to or use by any person or entity in any jurisdiction or country where such distribution or use would be legally deemed “silly.”

You may not trick, defraud, or mislead Postcard Inkblot or other users into accessing your own Substack page unless your personal password is 123456.

Thank you for reading these Terms of Service, and if you have made it this far your name will be entered into a drawing for a party-sized bag of Cheetos (regular or Flamin’ Hot) to be bestowed sometime in March 2053.