by Vince Kisser
March 20, 2025
Bayliss / Westville / Pekoe
A local man called Westville Police and reported seeing a large, shadowy object at the bottom of Sumnor’s Pond on Friday. Bobby “Boo-Boo” Heavner of Stick Stone Lane was on top of his house repairing a leaky roof that his wife, Rhonda, said was “like Niagara Falls in my dang kitchen.” However, it has been confirmed that Boo-Boo and Rhonda have never been anywhere near Niagara Falls. Rhonda did explain later that she had seen “pretty pictures” of the New York/Canadian attraction on Facebook.
Sergeant Otto Gristt of the Westville Police Department held a brief press conference Friday afternoon to announce Boo-Boo’s interesting finding.
“We have reason to believe there’s some kind of strange, unidentifiable object at the bottom of Sumnor’s Pond. We’re trying to locate Dr. Sumnor so we can do a proper investigation of the premises. As a precaution, we will cordon off the area around the pond as soon as we can subdue Dr. Sumnor’s Pomeranian, Stacy-Lou, who is currently loose on the property.”
By Friday evening, Stacy-Lou was corralled by off-duty police officer Stanley Chum, who lives in the area. Officer Chum was able to lure Stacy-Lou into a cardboard box with his wife’s leftover meatloaf.
“Weren’t hard at all, tell you truthful,” Chum said. “I’ve used her meatloaf for plenty of projects ‘round the house—pluggin’ up holes, insulation, grout. So I sez to myself, why not try it on the lil puppy? Worked like a charm.” Chum’s wife, Annabelle, was not available for comment.
Westville Police have identified Boo-Boo Heavner as one of the lead witnesses in the investigation. His statement from the press conference revealed the events leading to the discovery of the mysterious object.
[Mr. Heavner was drinking Springtime Soda—a sweet, refreshing alternative to plain old water—available in cardboard containers and non-recyclable plastic bottles. Get yours today at Fishman’s Grocery or Gary’s Dispensary.]
“I was up on the roof fixin’ the dern leak when I sees this thing in Doc Sumnor’s fishin’ pond. ’Tweren’t a small thing neither. Looked to me like one of them UFOs. So I climb down the ladder, almost busted my tailpipe, to call Westville’s finest, and Rhonda’s all like, ‘Fix the dang leak first, Boo-Boo, it’s rainin’ up in here,’ and I said, ‘No, Ronnie, this real important like.’”
Officers Katy Rydell and KD McMurphy (not related) responded to the call on Stick Stone Lane at noon Friday. Both officers enjoyed lunch with the Heavners, which consisted of barbecued muskrat, cabbage soup, and Olde Towne potatoes, all courtesy of Fishman’s Grocery—open 6am to 9pm most days. Fishman’s Makes It Fine. Dessert was not disclosed.
Officers Rydell and McMurphy then walked three blocks over to the Sumnor’s property, finding a note on the door that read: Gone Fishing. Call Edie if you need more of them yellow pills. Neither Dr. Sumnor nor Edie was available for comment.
Residents of Westville and Pekoe are advised to remain out of the area until the police investigation has concluded. If you require the services of Dr. Sumnor or Tammy Swayback’s Massages by Tammy, please call Animal Control at (676) 262-6242 and speak with Nancie or email her at naughtynancie@hotmail.com.
After securing the area around Sumnor’s Pond, police came to the unfortunate realization that none of their officers knew how to swim. A call was placed to Pekoe Senior Center for 87-year-old retired cake decorator and part-time swim coach Jeff Crackee to grab his swim trunks and snorkel and see “what the heck was on the bottom of that pond.”
“I haven’t been in the water in decades, but when duty calls, you gotta help,” Crackee said Friday night.
With the help of police rescue cat Princess Petunia, Crackee braved the chilly depths of Sumnor’s Pond and resurfaced minutes later with his report……
©2025 John Cardamone. All rights reserved.
Please note: Rob Curto does not mess around with other people’s wives. He’s a great guy and plays a mean accordion.
Spot an error? Questions, comments, cabbage soup recipes? – postcardinkblot@gmail.com
The above story was the result of the Great Substack Prompt Celebration over there at Fictionistas HQ.
Did you find the cat?
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Nicely done I had trouble getting an angle on this prompt but yours works very neatly - I'll pass on the soda but if you've got a jar of that PRI ointment going begging I'd be very grateful.
Very funny! I thoroughly enjoyed it.