Paragraphical Tales, Vol. 1
21 Short Stories in Bite-Sized Chunks
Paragraphical Tales, Vol. 1
21 Short Stories in Bite-Sized Chunks
The Chimney Brush
there once was a chimney brush who longed to be a tree but was frustrated living a lonely life in a cold rodent-infested tool shed from which it was brought out but once a year and emotionally and physically abused by an insensitive oaf thrusting it obscenely in and out of a deep dark hole seeing the light of day fleetingly until once again thrown into storage dreaming of a life amongst the strong erect trees of the neighboring woods
Nadine Left the Scene
As the pickup truck slowly crept up beside me, it crunched and popped the gravel more harshly than my sneakered feet were able to manage. I half-expected the driver to call out, “Need a ride, young lady?” or even, “Hop in, sweet cheeks!” But instead, he rolled down his window and calmly said, “Put down the bloody hatchet, Nadine, and get in. The ambulance is taking your mama to the hospital.”
Gardener’s Delight
As I tripped and tumbled over my son's tricycle, heading uncontrollably into the vegetable garden, my wife shouted for me to watch out for the tomato spikes. Her warning, which I initially failed to understand, finally and with much distress, made it through that thick skull of mine.
Felicity’s Withdrawal
A man’s amusement and well-being are paramount in any relationship. Therefore, I have maintained three essential pillars for my continued happiness. Unfortunately, my wife drained the bank account and ran off with Emily, our babysitter, in my new Porsche.
New Math
I didn't have enough money to pay the cashier, so I took out my gun and robbed him. I then paid the bill with my earnings and was on my way. When I was nearly halfway home, I realized I had forgotten to get my change.
Leap
My pet cat, Leap, died today. I remember when he first came into my life. I found him sleeping on my front porch back on leap day 2012. I gave him half my Slim Jim since he looked hungry. The next day, Leap brought me a dead mouse. I sauteed the mouse in butter and white wine; it was delicious. I got the wine at Vinnie’s Vinorama over there on State Street. State Street is where I was once mugged by Aimee, a goth girl with blue hair and black lipstick. However, during the transaction, we fell in love. On our wedding day, Aimee was killed by a drunken driver in a silver Audi. I had sold that same Audi to the driver of the car, my brother, the year before. To get over the pain and depression of losing both my girlfriend and my brother (sentenced to fifteen years), I frequented Vinnie’s a little too often to purchase gallon jugs of Shiraz and Slim Jims. Leap and I used to sit on my front porch, eat Slim Jims, and watch the sunset. I miss Leap.
Balefire
Sadly, I flicked my last cigarette toward the hastily stacked pile of kerosene-soaked wood in the living room, knowing I wouldn't have another to smoke while watching the glorious blaze. Admittedly, I did feel a bit guilty about not waking Mom and Dad.
Losing Streak
My friend, Caroline, was recently involved in a dastardly case of indecent exposure. She had to endure the repulsiveness and the random obscenity of the act: the bare flesh, the display of an unappealing physique, all in a public setting. The incident has left her so mortified that she refuses to talk about it until she gets all of her clothes back.
Silent Exile
We walked as we were instructed to do so, and we sat when compelled. The tenseness of the situation caused dread and anxiety in some and nervous laughter in others. But the most frightening part was the knowledge that one of us would be chosen, then banished, and would no longer be in our midst when the music stopped.
In Line Hating
I was first in line. I couldn’t believe it at the time, but there I was. I had set an alarm on my phone and got up early. I skipped my shower and didn’t eat breakfast so I was really hungry. When I got here, there wasn't anybody around. I made it first. I was the first. My friend, Melissa, got here late, and she was like eleventh in line, and she gave me the evil eye. I knew she wanted me to give her backsies, but that wouldn’t have been fair to the old fat guy behind me. And I definitely wasn’t going to give her frontsies—I got here first. It wasn’t my fault she went to Hardee’s for a sausage and egg biscuit. Then came the explosion—it was a gunshot. Everybody in line was terrified and scattered like little ants. Everyone except Melissa. She moved to the front of the line cheerfully waving her smoking gun like a pom-pom.
The Chicken
It was, by all accounts, a normal afternoon, but I began to feel considerably unwell. Naturally, I thought there may have been something wrong with the chicken, me being a food inspector and all. To my surprise, the object of my suspicions threw down its bat and ball, and I knew there was undeniable evidence of fowl play.
Timber
During a mountain retreat, my friend, Johanna, and I were hiking through the steep part of a woodland trail. Apparently, she had a pebble in her shoe and needed to urinate quite badly. Her constant bickering became intense and distressingly bothersome. She was dragging me down with her never-ending complaining, so I had no choice but to cut the support line, and I watched her tumble down the rock face like a ragdoll.
Fair Fight
I didn't think it would be a fair fight. I admit, I had too much to drink, and the hot weather may have been a contributing factor. But he was much larger than me, and there were plenty of people around us. Even so, after I looked at his girlfriend in an ungentlemanly way and made an inappropriate comment, he punched me hard in the face. Right there, under the Ferris wheel.
Ulysses
I was having a difficult time getting James Joyce’s novel, Ulysses. It’s a notoriously long book, with confusing passages and hard-to-follow narration. However, this was not the problem. A snowstorm made it impossible for the Amazon driver to make it into my neighborhood.
New Recipe
Mother called us down for dinner. Patrick and I ran to the kitchen where Father was lying on the floor. His face was all blue, and he still had a napkin tucked into his shirt collar, and he was making weird noises and pounding his fists on the floor. What’s with Dad? we said. Mom rolled her eyes and said, Never mind, just eat your dinner.
Seduction
“Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked my betrothed. Feeling amorous, I gazed upon her adoring face and looked into those cold, dead eyes as her mouth sensuously overflowed with hundreds of maggots.
Texaco
Walter Beeker was an arms dealer. With his friend and compatriot, Don The Mon Feegan, he started Tex-A-Co (Texas Arms Company). So after my arm was blown off in Afghanistan, I headed down to Katy, Texas, to see about getting a new one. The boys fixed me up fine with a replacement limb—model HAY-19. I even paid extra for the “flipping the bird” function. While we were down there, my wife picked up a Peg 2000, since Tex-A-Co manufactures dildos as well. You see, my pecker was also blown off in the war.
The Fifth Season
There was a time in Earth’s history when there were five seasons. The one you’re not familiar with was situated between winter and spring, and it lasted approximately seventeen and a quarter days. This fifth season took place many millennia ago, before such things as calendars and sundials, and certainly before the invention of the Honda Civic. The leaders of all the tribes around the globe gathered together in Monte Carlo for a little fun in the sun but also to discuss the new season. They decided to name it Sholar, in honor of one of the distinguished tribe leaders’ mother-in-law, and everyone went home with brand new tee shirts, a few bottles of French wine, and a variety of STDs. Unfortunately, it was soon discovered, the whole fifth season thing was merely a mathematical error by a guy named Henry in Accounting.
After the War
Mama says Daddy done come back home last night from fightin’. I don’t see him nowhere. Maybe he gone back to kill more of those dern Yanks. But why she cryin’ so much, and what’s that big ol’ box for?
Up a Creek
Andrew Shane threw up. Shane’s accountant and business partner, Bartlett, also threw up. They were going over their company’s finances and discovered they had thirty-seven dollars left in their account. Well, forty-seven, if you count Andrew’s grandmother’s annual Christmas present. Bartlett informed Andrew that his grandmother had been dead for two years. Andrew Shane threw up again. You see, Andrew and Bartlett’s electric canoe business, eCanu, had quite literally flopped. The two of them sat quietly, in the stench of their own vomitus, becoming more depressed by the minute, until a genius abstraction for a second money-making endeavor presented itself. Andrew Shane leapt to his feet, proclaiming with much gusto his brilliant new idea: electric kayaks !!
Marriage on the Rocks
“Let's watch Tom Hanks in Castaway again,” my wife said with a maniacal chuckle. “Should I make some popcorn?” Her chuckle morphed into an insanely evil laugh. I dug my heels in the sand and slowly shook my head, thinking about the compassionate woman she used to be, before this so-called “second honeymoon.” Using my binoculars, I scanned the sky for a rescue plane—for the hundredth time.
