Pop Pop’s Story
[Editor’s Note: Because this is a children’s story, it has been edited for rough language, sexual situations, product placement, alcohol usage, drug usage, nudity, partial nudity, suggested nudity, smoking, blood, gore, bloody gore, dismemberment, cruelty to animals, racial epithets, fecal matter, any bodily fluids, sexy talk, sexy talk with or without the use of bodily fluids, anything moist or gooey, underwear, homosexuality, heterosexuality, innuendo, double entendre, words which I don’t know the meaning, diet soft drinks, pickleball, and the city of Boston. Enjoy!]
April and Jude’s mother, Marcy, is about to go on a date, or a meeting, or a girl’s night out, depending on who you ask. Regardless, she is stinking up the place with all that perfume.
April and Jude are identical twins. Jude is five and April is five and a half. Don’t ask. Their father is now with someone named Sabrina. Their grandfather, who they call Pop Pop, is babysitting tonight.
“Okay kids, I have to leave now. Pop Pop is going to tell you a story and then you two go to bed. Okay?” Marcy is nervous. She’s never been on a… um, meeting with a woman.
“Honey, they’ll be fine. You go on your date and have fun doing all that [--redacted--] at the fancy hotel with that woman who may or may not be a [--redacted--].”
“Thanks, Dad. Her name is Louise, and we’re just good friends. Oh, and she comes from [--redacted--], Massachusetts.” Marcy waves goodbye to everyone.
“Bye, Mommy,” April says, jumping up and down.
“I ate a bug,” Jude says. Actually it was just an old raisin he found on the floor. From 2016.
Marcy leaves for her night out. The kids are already in their PJs.
“Ready for a story, kids?” Pop Pop says with a grandfatherly twinkle in his sweet, watery eyes.
“Yay,” says April.
“I need to [--redacted--],” says Jude.
After a bathroom break, April and Jude settle in on the sofa for Pop Pop’s story.
“This is a true story. I know because it happened to me. When I was not too much older than you two, I ran away from home,” Pop Pop begins.
“Why?” April asks.
“Was the house on fire?” Jude asks.
“Because I wanted to see the world,” Pop Pop says.
“Okay,” April and Jude say in unison, and in two part harmony.
“A mile outside of town,” Pop Pop continues, “I met a man. A very big man. He was eight feet tall!”
“That’s really tall,” attests April.
“He ate feet? Eww!” cries Jude.
“No, buddy, he was just… nevermind. He was very tall. Anyway, the man started chasing me. He was extremely mad.” Pop Pop mimics the very angry, tall man using a grimacing face and claw-like hands.
“Why, Pop Pop?” April inquires.
“I have to [--redacted--],” says Jude.
After another short break, Pop Pop continues. “He was mad at me because the previous week I stole his magic camera.”
“Why was it magic?” April asks.
“What’s a cambra?” Jude wonders.
“A cam-er-a, Jude. It’s something that takes pictures.” Pop Pop explains.
“Oh, a phone,” Jude says, disappointed.
“Well, no… nevermind. This camera could take pictures of dead people. Oooh,” Pop Pop says, revealing the compelling highlight of the story with a spooky embellishment at the end.
“He means ghosts,” April says to Jude confidently.
“You better give that cambra back,” Jude says.
“Yes, ghosts!” Pop Pop goes on, adding maniacal laughter to heighten the drama. “If you took a picture of a house, when you got the film developed you would see the ghosts of the people who used to live there.”
“What’s developed mean?” asks April.
“What’s film?” Jude asks.
“Film is in the camera and you needed to take it to a Fotomat or a drugstore to get the pictures off of it.”
“What’s Fotomat? asks April. “Is it a Apple program?”
“Mommy said you shouldn’t buy drugs,” Jude advises.
“No, April, it’s a little, tiny store they used to have in parking lots where you take your film… oh boy.” Pop Pop begins to get frustrated.
“Did the man eat your feet, Pop Pop?” Jude asks.
“No, Jude, he didn't eat my feet,” Pop Pop tries to explain. “He didn’t eat anyone’s feet. He was just a tall man who was angry at me.”
“Why was the store so tiny?” April asks.
“Well, I suppose that all they did was take your film and then a courier would take it to the lab to get processed and then he brought back the photos and you would pick them up in a few days.” There’s some perspiration forming on Pop Pop’s forehead.
“Was the man who eats feet on drugs?” Jude chimes in.
“No, Jude, nobody was on drugs. It’s just a store where you can get aspirin and cough syrup.” Pop Pop feels the story train is derailing.
“Why do you have to pick your photos up?” April tries to understand. “Aren’t they in your phone already?”
“Not a phone, dear,” Pop Pop clarifies. “It’s a camera.”
“Cambras are dumb,” Jude suggests brazenly.
“You know, I think there’s some leftover chocolate cake. Who wants some?” Pop Pop unceremoniously brings storytime to an abrupt end.
“I do, I do!” April shrieks.
“Did the bad man put your house on fire?” Jude asks, misunderstanding the fine details of Pop Pop’s tale and oblivious that the story is even over.
Pop Pop leads them into the kitchen and they all have slices of leftover chocolate cake.
“That was a weird story, Pop Pop,” April announces.
“I know dear, not one of my best.” Pop Pop puts the dishes in the sink.
After the kids brush their teeth, Pop Pop ushers them into their bedroom and they obediently hop into bed. He wishes them sweet dreams and switches off the light.
“Pop Pop?” Jude asks from the darkened room.
“Yes, Jude?” Pop Pop says.
“What do feet taste like?”
“Oh, for [--redacted--] sake,” Pop Pop says under his breath.
[--redacted--], Massachusetts, made me laugh aloud. Very nice.
Jude needs to eat more roughage