The Testimony of Duncan Buckhorn
The Testimony of Duncan Buckhorn
Transcript of audio recordings of Mr. Duncan Buckhorn of Haffordville, TN, concerning the July 24, 2022 attack on Agent Elisa Fuller (ID 739616).
20220725 13:42 West Howard Bldg. Briefing Room
Agent Jeremiah Cole presiding:
[Background noise]
Okay, okay, I got it, I got it. I ain't five years old, you know.
[Background noise]
Agent Cole: Can you state your name and address for the record.
Yep. I’m Duncan Buckhorn. I’m at 52 Bonneville Lane over there in Haffordville.
Been there twenty-two years with my wife, Millicent. Millie.
[Unintelligible]
Why, yes. Black, please, one sugar.
Agent Cole: Can we get a brief synopsis of what happened on the afternoon and evening of July 24th.
A brief what?
Agent Cole: A summary. Just tell us what happened that day and then we’ll get into some specific questions afterward.
Well, I told the police officer last night all that.
Agent Cole: Yes. We’d just like to hear it again. On tape.
Okay. Whatever. The U-P-S driver come around yesterday morn’n ‘bout eleven, I’d say. You can check with my wife if you need, whatcha call it, verificating. He had the brown shirt and the brown shorts on and that electric pad thing, you know the thing you sign on.
Agent Cole: Mm-hmm.
Right. But I ain’t never seen this guy before. He must be new, I said to Millie. We was watching him walk up the drive from the window. He rang the bell and that’s when my dang dog starts a barking. I said, Shut the hell up, Bosco. When I open the door, I says to the man, I ain’t specting no package. He says, Mr. Buckhorn, I ain't got no package for you. So I say, Well, what you need then, son? He says to me and Millie, Sir, ma’am, can I step inside and talk to you? He was a real polite guy, that one.
Agent Cole: Yes, that was Agent Matt Walker. Go on.
Yep, nice guy. Anyways, I said, Sure come inside, have a sit down. So he come in the house and he said that you F-B-I guys been watching the house ‘cross the way, something about illegal traffic watchacallit. Millie tole him she never seen them do nothing wrong and I said me either. Not a one thing wrong. And the UPS guy, your Matt something, say, We gonna need to set up in this here home to watch them. Spying and stuff like that. He said they got a guy spying right now in that brown truck but he can’t stay there too long.
Agent Cole: And what did you think about his request?
Oh, thank you.
[Slurping sounds]
Well, he showed us his badge and it looked very official and whatnot so I asked him, How long this gonna take?" He said, I ain’t gonna lie to you, it could take a long time, maybe even a week. I said I understand that you gotta get all your clues, but then Millie shout out, A week! We can’t have you people up in here for a entire week! Sergeant, I…
Agent Cole: Agent Cole
Agent Cole. I tried to tell her some sense, it takes time to gather up all the ev-i-dence. She don’t want to listen to all that, but that’s when we saw the lady with the baby thing, you know, the wheely thing.
Agent Cole: The baby carriage?
Yep, the baby carriage. She walked right up our drive pushing that thing. She got those big sunglass on and her long hair…
Agent Cole: That was Agent Fuller.
Okay, Agent Fuller rings the bell. My damn dog starts his barking again and I say, Shut the hell up, Bosco. Millie, put Bosco out back. So she does that and I let Agent Fuller in. Purty little thing. But guess what?
Agent Cole: What’s that?
There ain’t no baby in the baby carriage. There’s this big ol’ gun in there covered by a baby blanket. One of those machine firing rifles, whatchamacallit.
Agent Cole: Yes.
And a briefcase kind of thing. So, she says, Hi, Mr. Buckhorn - she really polite too, just like the Matt guy. I say, What can I do you for, little lady? I’m trying to be all polite the same way even though my Sat’day morning was shot to hell. She say she so sorry for the ‘trusion and whatnot and start talking to her friend. I say, Do you guys want some coffee?" Matt say yeah and the Fuller girl say, Oh my god, yes thank you so much! like I just done saved her cat from being drowned or somethin’.
Agent Cole: We can skip over the coffee part.
Alright, but I was just ‘bout to say I told Millie to put on a pot cuz I wanted some too. Millie makes real good coffee. She makes real good nana-nut muffins too. We all had one, even Bosco.
Agent Cole: That’s great. What happened next.
Well, Matt said he needed to get gone cuz his truck was out there too long. Gonna cause suspicion, he says. So he finished his coffee and muffin and Millie says, Take one for the road. Matt says, Don’t mind if I do, and he thanked me and Millie again. Real polite guy, that one. So, anyway, he left right then. That’s when Agent Fuller… what’s her name again?
Agent Cole: Elisa.
Elisa, right. Purty name she got. Anyway, Miss Elisa say then, Can I use your restroom? And me and Millie say, Why sure, it’s right down the hall there. So, she goes to the powder room, that’s what Millie calls it, with her little briefcase whatever. When she come back she don’t have long, black hair no more, she got shorter, blonde hair. And she took her sunglasses off. And her sweater thing too. My wife caught me looking at her too long I guess so she punched my arm a good, hard wallop.
Agent Cole: Okay. And then?
That Agent Elisa is a right purty girl. Did you know that?
Agent Cole: Yes, we’re all aware of that around here. Please proceed.
So, she starts taking this mechanical thing out the baby carriage, settin’ it all up like. I thought it was a machine gun, like I done said before, but no. It’s a dern telescope. A big ol’ one. I said to Millie in the kitchen, all hushed up like, I said, That ain’t no machine gun, it’s a dern telescope. She says to me, not trying to lower her voice any, I don’t care if it’s a dang Statute of Liberty, Dunk, I want that girl outta my home. She calls me Dunk sometimes, Agent Cole. It’s short for…
Agent Cole: Duncan. Got it.
Okay, okay. I know you guys all smart up in here.
[Slurping sounds]
But also it’s cuz when we met I was in the basketball team. I’m six foot three inch, you know. Now you really get it, don’t you?
Agent Cole: Yes sir. I’m sorry for interrupting.
That’s alright. I know you're just doing your job. Now let me tell you what happened after that. So I go up to Agent Elisa to get some more answers. You know, how long this gonna take and all that. I says to her, Miss, I know you got to be spying on those people over there but is there anyway you can hurry this thing up any? She says to me with her big, purty eyes, she says, Sir… She’s still being real polite, to me anyways. She says, Sir, I hate to say this but an agent might have to spend the night here. Agent Walker is coming at midnight to relieve me.
Agent Cole: Did your wife hear this conversation?
Oh, no sir. No siree. This was a private talk between me and Agent Fuller. We was both talking real low like, so as my wife wouldn’t be hearing any of it. You know, I really wish Miss Elisa wasn’t so gosh dern purty cuz I think my wife had a jealous streak going on. Let me tell you, one time at the Chick-A-Fill me and my wife was ordering dinner…
Agent Cole: With all due respect, Mr. Buckhorn, I think we can skip that part.
No, sir. I do believe this is important to your case so hear me out. The girl at the counter was another purty, young girl. Couldn’t be more’n seventeen. Sweet as can be. Real poilite too. Now, you gotta believe me, I don’t go for girls like that. I’m a happy married man. Well, I guess I was joking ‘round with her just a little too long and Millie give me a talkin’ to when we get our food and sit down. Why you gotta flirt with her like that? She half your age. You a big pervert, you know that? Stuff like that, Agent Cole. But, honestly, I just wanted me a chicken sammich. It’s just my bad luck I get a purty girl at the counter. Do your wife get all jealous like that, Agent Cole?
Agent Cole: I’m not married, sir.
Well, good luck on you. Sometimes I wish I was back being a single man. Maybe I will flirt with a purty girl here and there. No harm in that, is there?
Agent Cole: No, sir.
I like you, Agent Cole. You a good man.
Let’s see, where was I?
Agent Cole: Your conversation with Agent Fuller.
Ah, right. Her and me were talking over there in the living room and Millie she was over there in the kitchen. I said, Miss Fuller, you gonna cause a whole lot of trouble here if you spend the night. The Mrs. gonna blow a gasket. She say to me, Well the F-B-I is prepared to put you guys up in a fancy motel, just for all your trouble and whatnot. I said, Mrs. Buckhorn ain’t gonna go for that. I know her right well and she just ain’t.
[Slurping sounds]
Agent Cole, I swear my wife got super sonic hearing cuz she bust in the room like a torpedo or something and she be yellin’, I ain’t what, Dunk? What is it that I ain’t? All sorta stuff like that, Agent Cole. She was redder’n a July beet. Then she turn on Agent Elisa and start yellin’ all up in her face like, Are you flirtin’ with my husband, young lady? Are you trying to mess up our happy home? Stuff like that.
Agent Cole: How did Agent Fuller respond to that?
Oh, she was all calm and collect. All professional like. She told Millie, Ma’am, I’m just here doing my job. I ain’t here to cause no harm to your family. So polite, Agent Cole, she was so polite, bless her soul. Then she turned and finished building her telescope. What a professional young lady right there. I just said to myself in my head, Damn, that girl is so pro-fessional.
Agent Cole: And how did your wife react to that?
Millie? Well, lemme tell you. She just left the room. End of story. Say goodnight Gracie and all that. Check mark one for Miss Elisa, I said to myself. But you know what, Agent Cole? My wife ain’t like that. She ain’t one to give up a fight so easy. So I knew there was some trouble a-brewin’ for later. I guarantee you I knew that.
[Slurping sounds]
I wanted to tell Miss Elisa, Honey, you gotta be prepared for some nastiness coming down the pike. But I didn’t. I just said, Darlin’, you just let me know if you need anything. Anything at all. She touched my arm where Millie done hit me and thanked me kindly. She said, I surely do appreciate that, Mr. Buckhorn. And I know for dang sure she meant it cuz that's the kind of polite, warm heart person she is. And my heart was a flutterin’ when she touch my arm like that.
Agent Cole: Okay, Mr. Buckhorn. Do you have any idea what time this all happened?
Yes, sir, I do. Twelve fiteen. You know how I know?
Agent Cole: How do you know?
Cuz Bosco started barking right then. Our new mail lady, Juicy - her name is Julia but everyone call her Juicy on account of the juicy gossip she come up with. Well, she always come around twelve fiteen and park her truck on the corner. Bosco see her everday and starts a barkin’. I gotta go out there and yell, Shut the hell up Bosco, it’s only Juicy. Every dern day. That’s how I know.
Agent Cole: Alright, sounds good.
So anyways, the whole rest of the day Millie hole herself up in the bedroom and Miss Elisa been in the living room looking through that dern telescope. I bring her coffee or a Coke-Cola. We both had ham and cheesy sammiches and tater chips and some lemmyade. I asked if she wanted a apple or a piece of leftover key lime pie for dessert. Guess which one she pick?
Agent Cole: Mr. Buckhorn, we really don’t need the lunch menu from you. Could you…
Go on, guess which one. I bet you get it right.
Agent Cole: The key lime pie.
Absodammlutely! I knew you’d get it. You know Miss Elisa right good, don’t you? You two ever go out datin’?
Agent Cole: No sir, never have. Did Agent Fuller ever comment on the people across the street?
I should’ve brung you a piece of that pie. Millie makes a real good key lime. Dammit!
Agent Cole: That’s quite alright. Did Agent Fuller…
Yeah, yeah, she told me all about how mean and nasty those people are and some of the bad stuff they done. Kidnap people, young girls, stuff like that. But I tell you, I ain’t never seen those people do nothing wrong. Neither did Millie.
Agent Cole: Did you ever see the people across the street with young girls?
Sure did. Seen ‘em with lots of girls, coming and going. We just think, Dang they got a lot of grandchildren.
Agent Cole: They’re in their twenties, sir.
Well, nieces then. Or maybe they was babysitting, something like that. Anyways, didn’t see them doing nothing wrong. Nice folk. Real polite. Always waving and saying hey. I wave right back cuz I want to be polite to people too. The good book says to do that, you know.
Agent Cole: Okay. Continue on from your conversation with Agent Fuller.
Nothing much else really happened until… you know. We all went our separated ways - Miss Elisa looking out the front window, Millie was doing laundry or somethin’ like that, and I was in my workshop playing with my butterflies. Doggone it, I should've brought some pie for you. I just wasn’t thinking straight.
Agent Cole: Really, sir. It’s fine. Now tell me, when was it that all three of you were back together.
That’d be dinner time. Millie was cookin’ up some beef stew and biscuits, but she was giving everyone the silent treatment. Agent Cole, you haven’t heard nothing till you hear Millie given’ you the silent treatment. I tried bein’ nice and normal to her like, Can I get you this, Can I do that, but no, she was all quiet and stewin’ in her juices. So, I got me a beer and set down to watch the game. You like baseball, Agent Cole?
Agent Cole: Sure.
Well, anyways, I asked Agent Fuller, Darlin’ would you like a can of suds? And you know what she say? She say, Thank you Mr. Buckhorn but no, I can’t on account of I’m on duty. Now isn’t that the nicest way to turn down a can of beer? Sweet, sweet girl. So you can write down in your important notebook that Agent Fuller was not drinking beer when she was on duty. I think that’s a important thing to write down.
Agent Cole: Thank you, sir.
You betcha. I just hate to think that poor girl be getting into some trouble for all of this. So remember, she was sober’n a widow on Sunday morning.
Agent Cole: Got it.
[Slurping sounds]
Ahhh. Okay. So finally Millie break her silent streak and says, Dinner’s ready. Me and Miss Elisa go over and sit down at the table. That’s when Millie say, Did you wash your hands, young lady? Miss Elisa said she was so sorry and got up and went to the powder room. I got up too, to get another beer, and I kiss my wife on her head and I say, Everthing looks delish, Mill. She say, Thank you, Dunk, and I see her crack a teeny smile. I say to myself, Well at least that's over with. Miss Elisa come back to the table and she done say the same thing as me, Everthing looks so delicious, ma’am. Millie said, Thank you, and that was that.
Agent Cole: Any… uh, complications at dinner?
Nope, nope. We all had a fine dinner. Millie said Grace and Miss Elisa ate like she skipped breakfast and lunch, bless her heart. She sure can pack it down but she still got that lil petite body. Me and her was talkin’ about the baseball game, cuz she heard it while I was watching it. Then, after me and Mill cleaned up the dishes we all had coffee and cookies.
Agent Cole: Did your wife appear to be upset at that point?
No, can’t say that she… well, now that you brung it up, maybe she was goin’ back to bein’ all quiet and whatnot. So then Agent Fuller went back to watchin’ the people ‘cross the way and fiddlin’ with her phone. Me and Mill watched this movie on the TV. What’s it called? Begin Again, something like that. Purty girl plays a guitar. You ever see that one?
Agent Cole: No, sir.
I don’t know why we watched that. It was okay, I guess. Purty girl was singing songs. That part was okay.
Agent Cole: Alright, thank you for that. Did anything unusual happen during the movie?
Yes, something very unusual. One of the actors in the movie we seen in a TV show but me and Millie couldn’t remember his name or the TV show. Neither one of us could. We asked Miss Elisa but she had no clue. That was very unusual.
Agent Cole: I meant did anything unusual happen in your living room. To the three of you?
Oh, no, Agent Cole. Everthing went smoother’n a pig’s belly. After the movie, me and Millie we went up to bed. Agent Fuller stayed downstairs. I say to her, If you need anything at all, just holler. I don’t sleep much on account of Millie’s snoring. She thanked me and told me to have sweet dreams. What a nice girl that one is.
Agent Cole: What time did you go up to your bedroom?
I’m gonna say it was a lil after ten o'clock. We usually don’t stay up that late, but we had a guest.
Agent Cole: Right. What happened next?
Well, me and Millie, we in bed, sleeping, mind you. This was a bit later. Millie’s asleep but I’m laying there with my eyes closed, but I ain’t asleep. I hear some talking and laughing downstairs. That’s when I think to myself, Oh right, we got Miss Elisa in the house. So, I get up, all quiet and whatnot, did not want to wake up my wife. But first, I go in the bathroom we got there and fix up my hair a bit and put on my robe. I go downstairs, real slow and quiet, and I see Miss Elisa looking out that dern telescope. She done turned out all the lights but I could see her on account of my eyes was used to the dark, you know.
Agent Cole: Okay.
Well, Miss Elisa was also talkin’ on her cell phone. I couldn’t make it out what she was sayin’ but it sounded like fun stuff, not official business stuff. That’s just somethin’ I feel in my bones, don’t ask me to ‘splain it. So, she’s sittin’ on a ottoman we have down there, looking out the window, and I can see her shirt be liftin’ up in the back a bit. She really is quite a fetching gal. Anyways, she don’t know I’m there, so I need to make a noise or turn on a light so as to get her attention. So, that’s what I did.
Agent Cole: You turned on a light?
Yes, sir. That done made Miss Elisa turn around and notice me. I say, Hey. She said, Hey. I say, Everthing goin’ okay down here? She say, Yes, Mr. Buckhorn, everthing is just fine. Did I wake you up? I say, No, young lady, you quieter’n my old, dead dog Wayne. She say, That’s good, I don’t want to disturb you. What a sweetheart. Then I say, Mind if I set with you a spell, on account of I can’t sleep that good? She say, That’d be very nice. Just like that, That’d be very nice. I just want to make sure you know we wasn’t doing anything mischievous or bad, Agent Cole. We was just settin’ there talkin’.
Agent Cole: I understand.
So, I s’pose we got a little loud and whatnot. I guess I’m pretty good at tellin’ my stories and jokin’ around with the young lady and she got to laughin’ a bit too hard. And wouldn’t you know it, Millie done heard us and she come barreling down the stairs and come right up on poor Miss Elisa. She musta thunk we was foolin’ around or some crazy notion like that.
Agent Cole: What did Mrs. Buckhorn do then?
She go up to Miss Elisa screaming, Why you messin’ with my man in the middle of the night? And What you tryin’ to do, you little homewrecker? Then she slapped Miss Elisa across the face. Then she start pulling her hair and then she start chokin’ her neck. I say, Millie, She’s not doin’ nothing wrong, stop that. So, then she stopped.
Agent Cole: Oh.
Just for a second, Agent Cole, don’t get your hopes up cuz then she reared back and punched Miss Elisa in the eye, which made her fall down. Then Millie attacks her again, kickin’ her first, then trying to strangle her again.
Agent Cole: What were you doing while this was going on?
Good question, sir. That’s a real good question. I was tryin’ to get up outta my easy chair but my dang robe get caught in between the cushions causing me to fall back down in the chair. Happened four time ‘fore I got the idea to take my robe off. So now, the two of them fightin’ like the dickens cuz Miss Elisa made her mind up to fight back, you know. They’re going at it and I didn’t know what to do. I see Miss Elisa got blood on her face and her eye look pretty bad. I keep shouting, Stop it, you two! Stop it this instant! But they kept a goin’ at it.
Agent Cole: Yes, go on.
I decided right then and there to go in the kitchen and get a pot or a pan so as to hit Millie on the head with it cuz I can’t have her hurting poor, little Miss Elisa who never hurt a fly as far as I know. First I pick up a pan but then think I better use a pot cuz we might need the pan for breakfast. When I get back, they standing up again. Millie holdin’ Miss Elisa’s hair with one hand and punching her face with the other. ‘Fore I could do anything, Miss Elisa pulls a gun outta somewhere and shoots Millie in the knee.
Agent Cole: You actually saw this happen?
Yes, sir. I seen it with my own two eyes. She take the gun and fired at Millie. But, all honesty, can’t say I blame her. Millie was hittin’ her hard and just goin’ crazy. So she just pull out her weapon and fire, just as quick as that.
[Sound of fingers snapping]
Millie falls on the carpet screamin’ and yellin’ all kinds of obscenities. She was wearing her short nightdress so we could see her legs and, let me tell you, her knee was all exploded and whatnot. There was blood everwhere. Miss Elisa fall back in my easy chair, just a huffin’ and a puffin’. Agent Cole, she was just tryin’ to save her own life; Millie was like a rabid dog. How do you call it? Self defensive. No way else to say it.
Agent Cole: Do you know what time this all took place?
Yes, I do, sir. Right on midnight. You know how I know?
Agent Cole: How’s that?
Cuz right then we heard another shot. It was Mr. Agent Walker blowing out our front door knob. He musta heard the shootin’ inside. He come bustin’ in the room all excited and whatnot, gun pointing at us. Well, at me, since I was the only one standing up. And I was just in my unders and a t-shirt. He finally seen Agent Fuller in the chair and she say, I shot her, all quiet like. Her eye was being all shut up and gettin’ puffy and purple like. Agent Walker, he get out his cell phone and he call 9-1-1 on account I was too shocked to do it myself.
Agent Cole: I’m sorry you had to go through that, sir. Did anything happen after that?
Well, Agent Walker start to tend to Millie, wrappin’ her knee up in a blanket and whatnot. Millie was just screamin’ and yellin’ bloody murder. I finally get to my senses and I got Miss Elisa a bottle of water. Sorry, not the ‘spensive stuff, it was Costco brand.
Agent Cole: That’s quite alright. I’m sure she appreciated it.
Then I got Miss Elisa a big ol’ bag of frozen peas. For her eye, you know. That give me some time to go upstairs and put some clothes on cuz I knew I won’t be going back to bed anytime soon. Well, the ambalamps finally come ‘round ten minutes later, which was real good cuz I couldn’t take Millie’s screaming no more.
Agent Cole: So, you and your wife went to the hospital in the ambulance?
No, sir. Millie went in the ambalamps. Me and Agent Walker and Agent Fuller, we went in his big ol’ truck. S-U-V they call it. Real nice in there. Leather and such. He even had Creedence playing on the radio, but Miss Elisa told him to turn it off on account of her headache. Poor girl still had the peas I give her on her eye. I didn’t want to say nothing but that eye was looking bad. So anyways, we followed the ambalamps to the ol’ hospital and they took Mill over to the emergency place to get her knee checked out. Then they took poor Miss Elisa away. That’s when the police guy come up and ask me a whole bunch of questions.
Agent Cole: Okay. Is there anything else you would like to add?
No, sir. That’s what happened, just how I tole you.
Agent Cole: Well then, on behalf of the bureau, I’d like to thank you for coming down and giving us the details of last night’s… uh, events. And also, on behalf of the bureau, I want to express our sincere apologies for the… uh, damage to your wife’s right kneecap. I hope she’s up and walking around in no time.
Nope, doc said she prolly won’t walk good for a year, maybe more. We’re gonna have to get us a wheelychair. And I’m a gonna have to build me a ramp for the front stoop. But thanks for your concern, Agent Cole. You a good man.
Agent Cole: Thank you, sir. Do you need a ride to the hospital?
No, sir. Agent Walker done brought me home late last night. I got my pick-me-up truck outside. I drove over this morning to meet you just like your man say so.
Agent Cole: That’s great. Umm… There’s one more thing.
Yes, sir?
[Throat clearing]
Agent Cole: Uh, well, we had to put down your dog earlier today. He attacked one of our men there at the scene.
Bosco?
Agent Cole: Yes, sir.
Hmm.
Agent Cole: I’m sorry, sir.
Shot him?
Agent Cole: Yes, sir.
Well, guess I’m goin’ to have to berry him out back with Wayne.
Agent Cole: You can fill out a claim if you want to file a report. And one for your, uh… carpet, too.
I don’t think I needs to be doin’ that. But you could answer me one thing.
Agent Cole: What’s that?
I’m goin’ to head over to the flower shop. You know what kinda flowers Miss Elisa like? I wanna get her somethin’ special. She been through a lot.
Agent Cole: I don’t really know for sure, but she used to have an orchid on her desk.
Orchid it is then. Thank you, sir.
Agent Cole: Thank you. You’ve been most helpful. Make sure you grab yourself some complimentary mints at the front desk on your way out.
[Chairs scraping floor sounds]
I sure will. You have yourself a blessed day.
Agent Cole: You as well. Drive safely.
[End of recording]